The dinosaur has moved

And can from here on be found here: http://mnamrisaur.tumblr.com/

What now?

Long time no write.

To sum it up:
I currently live in another city, where I am studying for a Master's degree in Culture & Media Production. I have realized that my passion lies mainly in the gaming medium, and the focus on my thesis will therefore be analyzing the way reality is represented/experienced through games, and creating some sort of game myself. I no longer live in a basement, but in a tiny student apartment, where I mostly sit by my computer experimenting with game engines, reading research articles, and mixing drinks. I have the occasional social life too, but mostly I play games or watch teen dramas.

The last year has been quite a ride. Like this:

Riding a bicycle by my lonesome, moments before sunrise.

Taking a leap of faith.

Crashing into a fountain and accidentally killing two pedestrians...

Ok, I'll admit, the last one never happened (other than in the virtual world of GTA V), but these images from my playthrough sum up the feelings of this past tumultuous year.

Strangely though, I feel more at peace than I've ever felt before. Mostly I think it's because I've finally begun to come to terms with my complicated personality, and am starting to actually like this complex and sometimes contradictory creature. By accepting that everything doesn't have to make sense, everything makes sense.

all diplomatic and shit.

Hornborgasjön, take two

So i went back to the lake i visited this winter.

On a sunny spring day, as i said i would: i greeted my past self.
gave her my thanks for this beautiful day.

But she was not the only one:
the person who came along was also to be thanked,
shining as brightly as the sun on that day.

Don't think. Dance.

"Some people take what they can get
And some people take what they are given
Some people do what they wanna do
And some people just keep on wishing
Some people say that life's a bitch
But I prefer to think that it's bitching
I don't look for answers, I just take my chances
I think I feel like dancing

Because if this don't make you move
Then nothing will
Because you can learn a lot from sunshine
You can learn a lot from rain
Cutting through the afternoon blue sky

Yeah, you can learn a lot from taking your chances
you can learn a lot from taking your pants off
You could learn a lot of things
From a lot of things really
But if you want to know the truth
If you want to know why
Then just go up on the roof
And stare at the sky"

Hello, Hornborgasjön

i want to share this magical moment with you. it was right at that time in the evening when everything looks really blue.

i was working in a house on the country-side. and the place i worked at is situated right next to a lake i had visited as a child. it is a lake where the crane-birds come in the spring, singing and dancing, prancing about, partying with each other. this is a big event that a lot of people witness each year. and i remembered the place was quite beautiful, although, i thought that i perhaps remembered it like that because the memories were affected by my childhood-brain. but no matter, i decided to go there.

and it was wonderful. in contrast to the bright, warm memories from my childhood the place was dark, and so silent the only thing i could hear was the wind. and it was cold. the wind bit into my face. but somehow, this made the moment all the more special. the contrast of it all. and it made me feel peaceful inside. 

as i walked down this winding pathway, i began to feel afraid that i'd be swallowed up by the openness all around me. i think i am suffering of some kind of agoraphobia. often, in places like this, where the landscape seems to go on forever and ever and ever and it feels like i can't almost see where the sky and earth meet, i start to panic. and the fact that the pathway was this narrow line between all the openness and space made it worse, somehow, by contrast, strengthening the feeling of openness. still, the thought of me having agoraphobia also made me excited, and i started imagining that i had a therapist who had told me that i have to face my fears and the therapist was this kind old man with grey beard and glasses and somehow thinking that felt consoling and i wanted to make my therapist proud because he said i'd feel better myself so by thinking all this i could keep on walking and i wasn't as afraid anymore.

i even managed to gaze into the distance. and i imagined myself on some strange, silent planet.

i climbed up the stairs. by now, i was feeling calm. it felt wonderful to be inside a building after all the openness.

and i read the plaque on the memorial stone for the guy who started the restauration of this place. i sent him my thanks. thank you dearly, per olof swanberg, for this place where i can have this magical moment. and i thought how funny it was that the name of an ornithologist was that of a bird.

as i stood on the top of the building and looked down on the path i had walked mere minutes before, i thought that i have to come back here someday. some beautiful day this coming spring or summer, when the sun is shining, and the birds are back. and i imagined seeing myself walking down that same path, but with a new kind of happiness and hope in my heart that i can only have in the summertime. and i could see my future self smiling, and i waved at her, and sent her a warm thought. and i imagined her catching that thought, and feeling the warmth of it spread through her body, making her even happier. and i was so happy in this moment. and i can still feel the echo of that happiness inside me.

cheers for changes and cellars

so... i now live, in a cellar.
which means i can't possibly get any lower. (i hope).
still, somehow, living underground feels quite wonderful right now. as though i can feel the earth all around me... consoling me. and well. i do also have two windows facing the sun in the daytime, so if the earth isn't enough to console me i can see the sky too.

and...what else? oh yeah. i'm single again. it's like my life is going around in circles, in a way. No, actually more like a spiral going up, up, up. or perhaps down, down, down. i don't know which it is yet. maybe both. but this, too, somehow, feels quite wonderful. a new kind of adult acceptance. which makes me wonder if i've become a colder person. but...nah. i don't think so, really. i still get really sad at times. but i'm more used to it now. then again, i can also be so overzealously happy that it more than makes up for the sadness. i guess i've become a happier person overall. as though some sludge in my mind finally came out of my ear.  perhaps i'm just a little bit saner than before. and more grown-up, i guess.

one thing, that is keeping me sane, is my job. i think it helps me somehow. gives me the routine that's been lacking my whole life. i mean, if i didn't have a job, i'd just sit at home, contemplating how messed up i might be inside. and now i can at least help out with cleaning shit off the bathroom walls, while contemplating how messed up i might be inside. it makes me feel useful, and if i'm useful, i can't be that messed up. or, i guess it doesn't matter as much if i am, cause at least i'm useful. and i make money. obviously.

yeah, well. all in all. life's good. mostly i think it's due to a change in my attitude, thanks to the sludge finally coming off, as i mentioned before. i've decided to see life as good. so it is good. i mean. there are always these things  that can make a person feel down. but there is a personal choice involved too. and i'm just too cool to let things get me down too much. and also, i already live in a cellar... so i guess i just can't get down as much as before as i already am as down as i can get. before i'm buried, at least.
cheers to that.

below (appropriately enough) are some pictures of my beloved cellar room.

enjoyed the very good company that is myself over a glass of whiskey and celebrated finishing packing up all the stuff

the view is quite lovely, for a cellar.

ta-dah. broke my first egg on the new kitchen floor