What now?

Long time no write.

To sum it up:
I currently live in another city, where I am studying for a Master's degree in Culture & Media Production. I have realized that my passion lies mainly in the gaming medium, and the focus on my thesis will therefore be analyzing the way reality is represented/experienced through games, and creating some sort of game myself. I no longer live in a basement, but in a tiny student apartment, where I mostly sit by my computer experimenting with game engines, reading research articles, and mixing drinks. I have the occasional social life too, but mostly I play games or watch teen dramas.

The last year has been quite a ride. Like this:

Riding a bicycle by my lonesome, moments before sunrise.

Taking a leap of faith.

Crashing into a fountain and accidentally killing two pedestrians...

Ok, I'll admit, the last one never happened (other than in the virtual world of GTA V), but these images from my playthrough sum up the feelings of this past tumultuous year.

Strangely though, I feel more at peace than I've ever felt before. Mostly I think it's because I've finally begun to come to terms with my complicated personality, and am starting to actually like this complex and sometimes contradictory creature. By accepting that everything doesn't have to make sense, everything makes sense.

all diplomatic and shit.

cheers for changes and cellars

so... i now live, in a cellar.
which means i can't possibly get any lower. (i hope).
still, somehow, living underground feels quite wonderful right now. as though i can feel the earth all around me... consoling me. and well. i do also have two windows facing the sun in the daytime, so if the earth isn't enough to console me i can see the sky too.

and...what else? oh yeah. i'm single again. it's like my life is going around in circles, in a way. No, actually more like a spiral going up, up, up. or perhaps down, down, down. i don't know which it is yet. maybe both. but this, too, somehow, feels quite wonderful. a new kind of adult acceptance. which makes me wonder if i've become a colder person. but...nah. i don't think so, really. i still get really sad at times. but i'm more used to it now. then again, i can also be so overzealously happy that it more than makes up for the sadness. i guess i've become a happier person overall. as though some sludge in my mind finally came out of my ear.  perhaps i'm just a little bit saner than before. and more grown-up, i guess.

one thing, that is keeping me sane, is my job. i think it helps me somehow. gives me the routine that's been lacking my whole life. i mean, if i didn't have a job, i'd just sit at home, contemplating how messed up i might be inside. and now i can at least help out with cleaning shit off the bathroom walls, while contemplating how messed up i might be inside. it makes me feel useful, and if i'm useful, i can't be that messed up. or, i guess it doesn't matter as much if i am, cause at least i'm useful. and i make money. obviously.

yeah, well. all in all. life's good. mostly i think it's due to a change in my attitude, thanks to the sludge finally coming off, as i mentioned before. i've decided to see life as good. so it is good. i mean. there are always these things  that can make a person feel down. but there is a personal choice involved too. and i'm just too cool to let things get me down too much. and also, i already live in a cellar... so i guess i just can't get down as much as before as i already am as down as i can get. before i'm buried, at least.
cheers to that.

below (appropriately enough) are some pictures of my beloved cellar room.

enjoyed the very good company that is myself over a glass of whiskey and celebrated finishing packing up all the stuff

the view is quite lovely, for a cellar.

ta-dah. broke my first egg on the new kitchen floor

a night out - in solitude

so i was at home the whole last week because i had to finish the last assignments for the summer course i'm taking. and oh, how bored i was on friday, when the last assignment was done. i so longed to go out and just dance my head off for a bit, but alas, i had no one to go with. there was this concert i wanted to go to -hardstyle-high-tempo  - perfect for dancing. so i went alone. to be honest, yes, i was quite nervous to be going out on the town by myself. it's not like i've done it so often before. probably never. but it was a lovely evening. maybe exactly what i needed. and once in a while, it can be good to test your comfort zones a bit. and learn that maybe life isn't always as scary as you may have thought.

can't get this cider in sweden, so it's somehow a nostalgic thing for me
to drink it whenever i'm in finland.
doesn't matter that i nowadays think it tastes mostly like yeast
with only a faint hint of fruit.
makes me think of when i was 16, i guess.

i just sat there, at peace, enjoying the view

sitting on a bench, an older gentleman came and sat next to me. he had a bible-app
in his smartphone, and quoted different passages to me.
did you know that humans are nothing but a field of grass in the breeze?
and that the song "By the rivers of Babylon" by Boney M is based on a psalm?
he actually started singing it to me, and his singing voice wasn't that bad.

interior decor

by this point i was dancing so much i was sweating,
so didn't manage to take that many pics

somehow i really love these walks home at sunrise in the summertime