i was working in a house on the country-side. and the place i worked at is situated right next to a lake i had visited as a child. it is a lake where the crane-birds come in the spring, singing and dancing, prancing about, partying with each other. this is a big event that a lot of people witness each year. and i remembered the place was quite beautiful, although, i thought that i perhaps remembered it like that because the memories were affected by my childhood-brain. but no matter, i decided to go there.
and it was wonderful. in contrast to the bright, warm memories from my childhood the place was dark, and so silent the only thing i could hear was the wind. and it was cold. the wind bit into my face. but somehow, this made the moment all the more special. the contrast of it all. and it made me feel peaceful inside.
as i walked down this winding pathway, i began to feel afraid that i'd be swallowed up by the openness all around me. i think i am suffering of some kind of agoraphobia. often, in places like this, where the landscape seems to go on forever and ever and ever and it feels like i can't almost see where the sky and earth meet, i start to panic. and the fact that the pathway was this narrow line between all the openness and space made it worse, somehow, by contrast, strengthening the feeling of openness. still, the thought of me having agoraphobia also made me excited, and i started imagining that i had a therapist who had told me that i have to face my fears and the therapist was this kind old man with grey beard and glasses and somehow thinking that felt consoling and i wanted to make my therapist proud because he said i'd feel better myself so by thinking all this i could keep on walking and i wasn't as afraid anymore.
i even managed to gaze into the distance. and i imagined myself on some strange, silent planet.
i climbed up the stairs. by now, i was feeling calm. it felt wonderful to be inside a building after all the openness.
and i read the plaque on the memorial stone for the guy who started the restauration of this place. i sent him my thanks. thank you dearly, per olof swanberg, for this place where i can have this magical moment. and i thought how funny it was that the name of an ornithologist was that of a bird.
as i stood on the top of the building and looked down on the path i had walked mere minutes before, i thought that i have to come back here someday. some beautiful day this coming spring or summer, when the sun is shining, and the birds are back. and i imagined seeing myself walking down that same path, but with a new kind of happiness and hope in my heart that i can only have in the summertime. and i could see my future self smiling, and i waved at her, and sent her a warm thought. and i imagined her catching that thought, and feeling the warmth of it spread through her body, making her even happier. and i was so happy in this moment. and i can still feel the echo of that happiness inside me.
