Hello, Hornborgasjön

i want to share this magical moment with you. it was right at that time in the evening when everything looks really blue.

i was working in a house on the country-side. and the place i worked at is situated right next to a lake i had visited as a child. it is a lake where the crane-birds come in the spring, singing and dancing, prancing about, partying with each other. this is a big event that a lot of people witness each year. and i remembered the place was quite beautiful, although, i thought that i perhaps remembered it like that because the memories were affected by my childhood-brain. but no matter, i decided to go there.

and it was wonderful. in contrast to the bright, warm memories from my childhood the place was dark, and so silent the only thing i could hear was the wind. and it was cold. the wind bit into my face. but somehow, this made the moment all the more special. the contrast of it all. and it made me feel peaceful inside. 

as i walked down this winding pathway, i began to feel afraid that i'd be swallowed up by the openness all around me. i think i am suffering of some kind of agoraphobia. often, in places like this, where the landscape seems to go on forever and ever and ever and it feels like i can't almost see where the sky and earth meet, i start to panic. and the fact that the pathway was this narrow line between all the openness and space made it worse, somehow, by contrast, strengthening the feeling of openness. still, the thought of me having agoraphobia also made me excited, and i started imagining that i had a therapist who had told me that i have to face my fears and the therapist was this kind old man with grey beard and glasses and somehow thinking that felt consoling and i wanted to make my therapist proud because he said i'd feel better myself so by thinking all this i could keep on walking and i wasn't as afraid anymore.

i even managed to gaze into the distance. and i imagined myself on some strange, silent planet.

i climbed up the stairs. by now, i was feeling calm. it felt wonderful to be inside a building after all the openness.

and i read the plaque on the memorial stone for the guy who started the restauration of this place. i sent him my thanks. thank you dearly, per olof swanberg, for this place where i can have this magical moment. and i thought how funny it was that the name of an ornithologist was that of a bird.

as i stood on the top of the building and looked down on the path i had walked mere minutes before, i thought that i have to come back here someday. some beautiful day this coming spring or summer, when the sun is shining, and the birds are back. and i imagined seeing myself walking down that same path, but with a new kind of happiness and hope in my heart that i can only have in the summertime. and i could see my future self smiling, and i waved at her, and sent her a warm thought. and i imagined her catching that thought, and feeling the warmth of it spread through her body, making her even happier. and i was so happy in this moment. and i can still feel the echo of that happiness inside me.

cheers for changes and cellars

so... i now live, in a cellar.
which means i can't possibly get any lower. (i hope).
still, somehow, living underground feels quite wonderful right now. as though i can feel the earth all around me... consoling me. and well. i do also have two windows facing the sun in the daytime, so if the earth isn't enough to console me i can see the sky too.

and...what else? oh yeah. i'm single again. it's like my life is going around in circles, in a way. No, actually more like a spiral going up, up, up. or perhaps down, down, down. i don't know which it is yet. maybe both. but this, too, somehow, feels quite wonderful. a new kind of adult acceptance. which makes me wonder if i've become a colder person. but...nah. i don't think so, really. i still get really sad at times. but i'm more used to it now. then again, i can also be so overzealously happy that it more than makes up for the sadness. i guess i've become a happier person overall. as though some sludge in my mind finally came out of my ear.  perhaps i'm just a little bit saner than before. and more grown-up, i guess.

one thing, that is keeping me sane, is my job. i think it helps me somehow. gives me the routine that's been lacking my whole life. i mean, if i didn't have a job, i'd just sit at home, contemplating how messed up i might be inside. and now i can at least help out with cleaning shit off the bathroom walls, while contemplating how messed up i might be inside. it makes me feel useful, and if i'm useful, i can't be that messed up. or, i guess it doesn't matter as much if i am, cause at least i'm useful. and i make money. obviously.

yeah, well. all in all. life's good. mostly i think it's due to a change in my attitude, thanks to the sludge finally coming off, as i mentioned before. i've decided to see life as good. so it is good. i mean. there are always these things  that can make a person feel down. but there is a personal choice involved too. and i'm just too cool to let things get me down too much. and also, i already live in a cellar... so i guess i just can't get down as much as before as i already am as down as i can get. before i'm buried, at least.
cheers to that.

below (appropriately enough) are some pictures of my beloved cellar room.

enjoyed the very good company that is myself over a glass of whiskey and celebrated finishing packing up all the stuff

the view is quite lovely, for a cellar.

ta-dah. broke my first egg on the new kitchen floor

How Does It Make You Feel

adorable alice

i really need to write about  the tv-movie "alice in wonderland" from 1985 i saw as it was quite lovely. just look at the pics below.

love all these expressions on alice. she is the perfect alice: annoying, impertinent and prancing.

So.... i have a job!! (also featuring inspiring insights from SGC)

sorry i haven't written in a while. but honestly, i can't say that i (or anyone else) take my blog that seriously  that i'd think people would get offended if i don't write something everyday. and, a lot has been going on.


to make a long story (or actually not that long but i'm tired and in need of a shower so) ..short,
here's a list on my actions the past months:

END of AUGUST: arriving back home - getting a notice that i didn't get registered on my autumn-3D-course as i was two days late with the web-registration. aaaargggh why didn't they send me an e-mail with the last date of registration??? why these old-school letters??? panic panic panic. phone calls here and there and finally the answer: your place on the course has gone to someone else. sadness and tears.  lots of them. seriously, my eyes hurt afterwards. and lastly, acceptance.

SEPTEMBER: the instruction book for the 3D-program i was supposed to learn on the course had already arrived in the mail so... could as well read the whole almost 500-paged thing and learn using the program. and it was fun! gave me back my ambition for working with 3D. lovely. but alas: the bills don't get paid with newfound amateur-ambition in 3D. i needed a job.

END of SEPTEMBER: putting off searching for a job 'til later... and later....... and later............... thinking it's best to search in the beginning of the next month... because... well, because. also, managed to buy all the tickets for my trip abroad to visit my brother and then for the game jam in denmark. but.......... now i needed a job even more than ever so:

FIRST of OCTOBER: got myself registered in the employment office of my town.

SECOND of OCTOBER: went to the employment office for a lecture on writing a good CV. had also heard that there was going to be some kind of recruiting event there so i'd printed some copies of my CV. after the lecture on writing CV:s though.. i realized that my CV sucked. and seriously thought of running home to polish it. but knew i wouldn't live with myself if i didn't at least try to hand it out now that there happened to be people taking CV:s. so.. i gave CV:s to two employers: a home-cleaning-firm and some.... technological firm i can't remember any specifics about. TWO HOURS LATER: got a call from the home-cleaning-firm. scheduled an interview for the next day.

THIRD of OCTOBER: went on the interview. interviewer/boss called and said he was 20 minutes late. i was 15 minutes early. took a walk around the block. (never good to be too early for an interview, i've heard) the sun was shining. mirrored in the water behind the leaves of yellowing trees. the interview-place was among industrial buildings, describing machines and technologies that seemed worthwhile but that i didn't understand. i forced myself to breathe slowly. calmly. finally the interview started. it wasn't that scary, actually. just... kind of like a discussion. also, it was ok for the employer that i was gonna travel abroad for two weeks at the end of the month. and the pay was gonna be quite good. and i looked forward to seeing into peoples homes...... leafed through the contract, and SIGNED! WOOO I HAVE A JOB I HAAVE A JOB I HAVE A JOBBB YAAY WOOOOOooOOOOOOOO called my boyfriend. called my mom. was happy. ate lunch.

then i went to the SWEDEN GAME CONFERENCE that took place in my town, but felt quite detached from it all. like... looking at a beautiful snow globe, from outside. it's nice and all. but if i would be inside it right now, i'd probably choke to death. still, some of the speakers were quite interesting. for example the wonderful indie-developer proposing the idea that "GAMES HAVE BECOME SHOPS". And: "DO YOU WANT TO SELL SOMETHING WITH A QUALITY TO THE LIKES OF A SINGLE MALT*, OR.........DO YOU WANT TO SELL DRUGS"**? (as in, mobile games/apps are drugs. and "real games", with, you know, a SOUL/depth or something like that, are single malt).
interesting, interesting.... but a quite one-sided view too. we'll see. perhaps the drugs could be dipped in single malt some day. hmm... would the drugs dissolve then, i wonder?

*the finest and tastiest of whiskeys (although quite overrated at times).

** it's bad for you. they say. and drug dealers are evil.



aaaaaand back to my failed attempt at making a long story short:

FOURTH of OCTOBER/AKA TODAY: my first day as a cleaning-lady-intern. i learned that i have some really nice fellow workers, that i no longer need to go to the gym considering how hard work it is to clean, and that apparently people in the cleaning business love to smoke. in their car. or outside. anywhere, probably. also learned that trains are not to be trusted.

and now i'll take a shower and hopefully drink some single malt later tonight. so looking forward to this weekend considering i probably enjoy it like, 50000 times more now that free time is no longer a given.

sbyee!

a night out - in solitude

so i was at home the whole last week because i had to finish the last assignments for the summer course i'm taking. and oh, how bored i was on friday, when the last assignment was done. i so longed to go out and just dance my head off for a bit, but alas, i had no one to go with. there was this concert i wanted to go to -hardstyle-high-tempo  - perfect for dancing. so i went alone. to be honest, yes, i was quite nervous to be going out on the town by myself. it's not like i've done it so often before. probably never. but it was a lovely evening. maybe exactly what i needed. and once in a while, it can be good to test your comfort zones a bit. and learn that maybe life isn't always as scary as you may have thought.

can't get this cider in sweden, so it's somehow a nostalgic thing for me
to drink it whenever i'm in finland.
doesn't matter that i nowadays think it tastes mostly like yeast
with only a faint hint of fruit.
makes me think of when i was 16, i guess.

i just sat there, at peace, enjoying the view

sitting on a bench, an older gentleman came and sat next to me. he had a bible-app
in his smartphone, and quoted different passages to me.
did you know that humans are nothing but a field of grass in the breeze?
and that the song "By the rivers of Babylon" by Boney M is based on a psalm?
he actually started singing it to me, and his singing voice wasn't that bad.

interior decor

by this point i was dancing so much i was sweating,
so didn't manage to take that many pics

somehow i really love these walks home at sunrise in the summertime

Zebra Katz

needed to make a post about this artist i've been listening to lately. (mainly because i wanted to post this lovely pic of him, and well, because i love his music). yo.